Latin Should be Abolished, Says (Another) Nut Job

This I jumped out of bed and got my morning newspaper, The Sunnyrise Asylum Gazette. Once they had undone my straightjacket, I was able to read the paper and I realized that, although dot-to-dot, still challenges me, it really is a load of rubbish.

But then let’s face it all newspapers are trash these days. In fact the only newspaper that is any good would be one I wrote myself. (Note To Self: After world domination had been successful, must start own newspaper)

What particularly upset me and caused my minders to shovel pills down my throat like I was Heath Ledger enjoying a good evening in, was an article which suggested that Latin should be abolished.

Yes.
Latin.
Should.
Be.
Abolished.

This is obviously crazy. You cannot abolish Latin. Even his more lucid suggestion that we invent a time machine and go back to Latin times and kill all the Romans before they invented Latin was clearly flawed. The logistical problems involved in killing all teh Romans with only primitive weapons does not make thsi feasible.

You might say that the trouble with modern communication in this 24 hour hours age is that any crank or nut job can write what is on his oblatantly deranged mind and then publish it. Isn’t it best just to ignore it? Well yes, I (obviously) have a point, but by a strange co-incidence, I had two visitors, who know something about the world, around for coffee and cake that morning who said that the world needed to hear my response.

“Derk, you’re a, um, Latinist” He began.
“Actually, I am a Latinystor.”
“What?
“Well, it’s like I am an educationalystor, I am as Latinystor.”
“Ok, but the point, um, I wanted to make was that you should respond to this stupid, insane article.”
“You think?”
“Yes, I do. The world needs to hear what you have to say.”
“True,” I reflected, “But sorry, how rude I haven’t offered you any cake. Would you like some?”
“Yes, pecan. And what do you want Hillary?”

But I digress, and as regular readers of my blog know, I like to get straight to the point without getting distracted by attempting to remind people of the obvious near divine levels of intelligence that I obviously have.

So why shouldn’t we abolish Latin?

Point One
I speak Latin. This is a good reason. There are clearly hundreds of thousands of people who want to speak latin so that they can converse with me as a near intellectual equal. To abolish Latin would be to take away the illusion which these deluded people have that they migfht actually be able to speak any language with the fluency that I do.

Point Two
The article says that people do not understand Latin so it should be abolished. If they learned Latin then they would be able to understand it. Easy.

There I have just solved the problem in two easy steps. But I think I need to go on and make a positive case for Latin.

Why study Latin?
Study Latin why?

See, already I am messing with your minds and talking about English grammar and you are so stupid that you didn't notice. Latin is really important to how we understand english. English comes from Latin! Latin has the same relationship to English that Woody Allen has to Soon-Yi Previn.

Clever people like me have been able to speak Latin for a long time. They should be allowed to continue. Even stupid people can become less stupid by learning some Latin. They also get self-awareness as we can patronize them by speaking them language of Cicero, Horace and Virgil much better than they can. They realise they are not as clever as people like me.

And for those of you who are intimidated by my genius, do yourself a favor.

Learn Latin.

Latin is the nervous system, the linguistic spinal cord, of our language.
I am the heart. Pumping Latin into the bloodstream of our body.

ddb iv

BAGSE: Coming to A Country Near You

Over the last few months my email inbox has literally been swamped with an email from someone asking me why BAGSE only operates in England, Europe.

Let me make it clear:
I don’t plan to hang around in that bad-toothed country forever.
Hell no.

And as time waits for no man and tempus fugits, BAGSE is going to start a new project.

“Who wrote to you?”
“Sorry?”
“You said you had an email. Who wrote to you?”
“A very important person from the Peoples' Democratic Republic of Czebluszyskie.”
“What? Where?”
“The Peoples' Democratic Republic of Czebluszyskie!”
“Sounds like you’ve just made it up.
“Didn’t.”
“OK. I believe you. Sounds interesting.”
“I know. But its clear whoever it was hadn’t been on the BAGSE programme. It took me a while to understand what they wanted.”
“How do you mean?”
“Well, I had to read between the lines before I understood that he meant that they wanted to learn BAGSE’s Latin and not for me to transfer $10,000 into a dodgy bank account.”
“Ah.”

I have always wanted BAGSE to go global and the Peoples’ Democratic Republic of Czebluszyskie is the next obvious place to go.

I just hadn't intended on doing it so soon. Especially with the world in economic meltdown. These are depressing times.
We know that.
People are losing their jobs left and right.
And it's not their fault.
And if they are to blame they get a damn good severance pay.

Watching the Fox I have felt myself getting more and more depressed at the grim statistics and news I hear. While watching the news I also felt Toloola Laundrette’s leg which is why she left BAGSE.

But these things make BAGSE’s Latin is more important than ever. Vital even.
So what is happening in Czebluszyskie? The government of Alexandr Poliakovski has been in power for nearly twenty years. BEVA terrorists are opposing them with a gorilla campaign. The mauve revolutionaries are protesting on the streets. Last year their leader Lech Tukynski was assassinated by an exploding tic tac and his twin brother Fech Tukynski only avoided death as he prefered gum.

Elections scheduled for 2018 have been postponed. And no-one speaks any Latin.

So here we are.
"But how can BAGSE's Latin program help?"
"Its not just about language you know - "
"Oh Christ. You're always fucking on about language and analytics. Its Latin, man. Its fucking boring! Yawn. It's not gonna save the world."
"Remember it's not Latin, its BAGSE's Latin."
"OK. OK. OK. Can you just let go of my scrotum, please?"
"Sorry."
"Thanks."
"We just won't talk about this again, OK?"

Let me say, of the 14 and a half people who have studied on the BAGSE Latin programme at Key Stage Two level, 13 and a half have never committed any acts of political assassination, election rigging or any crimes against humanity. That’s a pretty low rate. None have lost any money on the stock market, crashed a bank or laundered money. Partly because they are not old enough to run banks but also because our new Director of Latin Programmatics BAGSE’s, Frieda Bacon, steals all their pocket money.

BAGSE’s Latin programme doesn’t deal with doubt or disease, we focus on the nitty gritty of grammar, syntax and vocabulary.
We ask our students to analyze every sentence, every word, every letter.
We ask our students to take responsibility for their own work.
We ask for a lot of money.

We can encourage them but they have to learn the educationalytics.
We show them the road, but for them to get the best out of it, they have to walk down the road for themselves.
By themselves.
Their minds focused.
One foot in front of the other.
And hope that the government has enough money for signposts.

Can you imagine any crisis occurring if people around the globe had, from the beginning, learned BAGSE’s Latin?
Had been able to look at a sentence and know what a gerund was?
Had not left it to others to do their work for them?
Had met me in all my glory?

This is what we do. Only BAGSE can do it.
We're the future of education. Latin is the past. BAGSE’s Latin is the future.

We're not the silver bullet to literacy and world salvation; we’re the nuclear bomb of Latin programmes. We’re the nuclear bomb and we’re gonna explode in Eastern Europe. Yeah man.

This isn’t just a gimmick like other progammes. We are the real deal.

And so, BAGSE is coming to Czebluszyskie.



“Are you there?”
“I just wet my daiper.”

ddb

BAGSE's Latin: The highway to reality

I just returned today from a very important meeting. Some of the best brains in this country were there. I was there and the level of intellectual debate was awesome.
I haven't been to one of those meetings in a long time.
I had been hesitant, afraid to attend.
Maybe even scared.
“Why were you scared?”
“Its quite simple, I didn’t want to make them look stupid”
I did, in fact, go. And I did, in fact, make them look stupid. Very stupid.

I also got to see old "classmates", fellow academic strugglers now making good; others not doing so well, some who tried to get me sent down for exposing myself to our professor in freshmens' week. It was good for them to see me.

I've been, as some know, teaching at every level from tiny tots through to the Dalai Lama.

And recently, the last two years, I have set up my own company, charitable foundation, cult – BAGSE – mainly in the UK but also going universal soon.

BAGSE, which gets BAGSE’s Latin into schools - state schools, public schools - at an early age.

Not just into schools -Into their thought and hearts.
Into the blood stream of every schools' academic life.

The BAGSE programme of teaching is different from every other. Unlike teachers, we do not shy away from teaching. We teach grammar, syntax, vocabulary. No one else does that.

Of English. Then Latin.
Every we do in Latin, we do in English first.
We treat English as a language.
We use English as a vehicle for Latin;
Then, we turn around, and crash the language into a kid who's crossing the road.

Stupid kid. He wasn't on BAGSE's Latin programme anyway. He didn't Keep It Real.

I was explaining this at the conference when someone came up to me and said:
“Excuse me, Sir, but are you going to buy that arugula or just shout at it?”
“Do you mind?” I said.
“We close the store in ten minutes.”
"Who are you?"
"I'm the store manager."
"Eh?"
"Sir, I think you've wet yourself."

So why did I go to that meeting?
To reconnect. To Get Real. To stock up on tinned products and plastics pants in the event of the End of Days.

But also, to deliver a Message.
To be a Messenger
To become the Message.
And what Message is that?

This.

All around us, the world is in crisis. Banks are collapsing. People are losing their jobs. Desperate Housewives might be taken off the air. People are looking to invest their money, what little they have left after their homes have been re-possessed and their kids sold into slavery, into Real Things. Gold. Infrastructure. BAGSE’s Latin Programme.

Keeping it Real. That's what I am all about.

And how is that Real?
Real skills.
Understanding the infrastracture of Real language.
The superhighway of Real grammar.
The traffic lights of Real paradigms.
The 8am congestion of Real syntax when everyone’s trying to get to work.

Classics is one of the few subjects that is still based in reality. Classicists Keep It Real. I am very interested in reality. I am just not connected to it.

But.

We have to teach real BAGSE Latin. Not that shit the Romans spoke.

BAGSE do this in our field better than anyone does in theirs. We are to Latin what Einstein was to physics and what Buddha was to the fast food indutry. But bigger and better.

We teach the infrastructure of linguistics.
To children. To adults. At schools. Despite the difficulties. Despite the restraining orders.
I urge folks in professional organizations to make an effort - not lip service – to teach BAGSE’s Latin from the ground floor up. From an early age. For the future.

We are making An Effort.
A real effort.

We'll achieive:
Real rewards.
Possible sectioning under the Mental Health Act.

You may think that this is just a bunch of clichés strung together without any meaning. You would be right. If anyone else wrote it. But I am writing. Therefore it autmotically becomes clever. I have a PhD. I am an educationalystor. I threw away my mood-stablizers last week.

Put it this way: if over the last ten years Wall Street had been learning BAGSE's Latin, would we be in the economic shit-hole we are now. No.

But:
We have to go further than that.

Who would benefit from studying Latin and proper grammar, taught well, from the earliest age?
Anyone.
Everyone.
Me.

So what?

Here's so what:

Because I have always done the gritty work, BAGSE’s Latin is in the position to become The Means by which education in this country and the world, of course, can change for the better and bring about a new world order.

With me at the head.
You on the ground.
Me making money.
Out of your stupidity.

Our students can learn real skills: writing, thinking, spellig. Other students just learn figurative or metaphorical skills. Other teachers just think they are teaching. They don't realise they they are really real. BAGSE really teaches in real classrooms and to real kids. Even my therapist admits they're real.

Only BAGSE:
Keeps.
It.
Real.

Like Coke, BAGSE is a recipe that no-one else is clever enough to have ever worked out before my mom went into labour and stayed over night in that scummy manger. So secret is the recipe that I can post it on this blog and it'll still be a secret.

Like coke, BAGSE is a chemical substance you snort into your blood stream that makes you think you are fricking genius. I am. I am. I am a genius. Its also expensive.

But the world needs Leadership.

And under BAGSE’s leadership, Classics will cease being a marginalized field for rich kids like me to spout off about how much shit they know. Under BAGSE's Five Year Plan every school, every university, every child, every adult will be able to learn about real pro-language skills from a BAGSE Jedi Latin Master.

Leadership is absolutely vital. My leadership. People thought Caligula was mad when he made a horse a senator so I can put up with people mocking me. In fact, our new Director of Latin Programmatics, Toloola Laundrette, is an imaginary badger I found rummaging in my bins last week. And there is nothing mad about that.

I will become relevant.
We will redefine relevant.
In the dictionary, the definition of relevant will say: Obviously clinically insane.
I'll burn the dictionaries. I'll burn all the books.

Except mine.

ddb

Latin the language of love? No the language of literacy!

Lots of people these days are talking about how Latin helps literacy. I know a lot about this as I am a Latinist/educationalystor/holder of a PhD/minor divinity. So I have a few things to say to those people who finally recognised -

“Er, what’s an educationalystor?”
“Do you have to interrupt?”
“I was just asking. I’m interested.”
“OK.”
“Well, do you have answer?”
“Yes I do.”
“Can you give it to me then?”
“Sure thing, buddy.”

What is an educationalystor? It’s a good question, despite the interruption. What I am trying to do is describe the journey that I am on. We are all on journeys. Some of us journey to work every morning, some journey home in the evening, some both journey into work in the morning and then journey home at night. But I’m not interested in those journeys. I am thinking of something more fundamental than that. I am on educationalystor’s journey. Its an epic journey. Think epic. Think Odysseus. Think Aeneas. Think Babe: A Pig in the City.

And in the epic the journey is all important. I don’t call myself a teacher or educator, but what I do is much more fundamental than that. Teachers don’t go on epic journeys. Educationalystors do. That is what I am doing.

That’s why I call myself an educationalystor.

So, again, what is an educationalystor?

I am taking us on a journey. A magnificant, amazing journey and who know where it will end.

“Your therapist?”
“Look, whoever you are, can you just shut up for a minute?”
“Sorry.”
“Here am I talking to hundred of thousands of people and you just interrupt. Again.”
“Sorry.”
“I mean, where did you learn your manners?”
“Its just that I asked a question and you haven’t really answered it.”

Ignore him.

What is an educationalystor? Why am I not just a teacher? Its because teachers are interested in teaching people things that should be teached -

“Do you mean taught?”
“That’s what I said.”
“No you didn’t. You said teached.”
“Didn’t.”
“Did.”
“Look its up there in black and white.”
“Didn’t. Didn’t. Didn’t.”
“You did. Look.”
“La la la la la la. Can’t hear you.”
“You’re weird.”
“Didn’t hear you. Can’t hear a word you say, whoever you are.”
“Whatever.”

But teaching isn’t what an educationalystor does. An educationalystor, like the demon spawn of a catalYST and a motivatOR, is someone who realises the power of the human mind and has an ability to unleash that power onto the human landscape. We’re like the Jedi of the teaching Latin in schools world.

I am Luke Skywalker.
The educational world is the Death Star.
Latin is my lightsaber.
Lucinda Strappon is Chewbacca. Or that annoying one who speaks funny and whose skin looks like it's made of plastic, whose name I can’t remember. Zsa Zsa Gabor.
"It's Binks."

But as the National Rifle Association says its not the gun that kills people. Its people who kill people.
“The gun helps though.”
“Eh?”
“What I mean to say is that, it may be people who kill people but I think the gun has something to do with it, doesn’t it?”
"La la la la."
"I mean if I were just to stand in front of you and say 'BANG', you wouldn't die would you?"
“Is that the door bell I can hear?”
“Oh. Fuck you.”
“Yes. It’s the door bell. Sorry. Not today thank you.”
“Freak.”

That is who I am. That is what I am. That is where I am.

Dr Derk Burgmeister. Educationalystor.

“Have you finished?”

“Hello?”

“Are you there?”
“Not listening to you.”
“Derk –“
“Go away!”
“It’s just that you were talking about something else before.”
“Oh yeah. Thanks.”
Anyway, the point I was going to make was that I knew that Latin was important to literacy too. Hell, I practically invented Latin. What is more we have developed Latin so that it has become BAGSE’s Latin and is even more amazing. And you know, learning BAGSE's Latin is not learning a dead language. Oh no. BAGSE found the rotting corpse of Latin and gave it the kiss of life. Then we disinfected our lips. Because, unlike teaching ordinary Latin, with the BAGSE's Latin programme we look at structure and form, we effectively teach you every language in the world. Or at least Romantic languages, like French, Italian or Clingon.

Put it this way if you just speak Latin when you can speak BAGSE’s Latin, you must be a horseman short of the apocalypse.

Put it simply:
Latin = all right for literacy.
BAGSE’s Latin = excellent for literacy
Me = amazing.
Everyone else = stupid.

“I need to go pee now.”
“Ok. No problem. Toilet’s last on the left.”