Latin the language of love? No the language of literacy!

Lots of people these days are talking about how Latin helps literacy. I know a lot about this as I am a Latinist/educationalystor/holder of a PhD/minor divinity. So I have a few things to say to those people who finally recognised -

“Er, what’s an educationalystor?”
“Do you have to interrupt?”
“I was just asking. I’m interested.”
“OK.”
“Well, do you have answer?”
“Yes I do.”
“Can you give it to me then?”
“Sure thing, buddy.”

What is an educationalystor? It’s a good question, despite the interruption. What I am trying to do is describe the journey that I am on. We are all on journeys. Some of us journey to work every morning, some journey home in the evening, some both journey into work in the morning and then journey home at night. But I’m not interested in those journeys. I am thinking of something more fundamental than that. I am on educationalystor’s journey. Its an epic journey. Think epic. Think Odysseus. Think Aeneas. Think Babe: A Pig in the City.

And in the epic the journey is all important. I don’t call myself a teacher or educator, but what I do is much more fundamental than that. Teachers don’t go on epic journeys. Educationalystors do. That is what I am doing.

That’s why I call myself an educationalystor.

So, again, what is an educationalystor?

I am taking us on a journey. A magnificant, amazing journey and who know where it will end.

“Your therapist?”
“Look, whoever you are, can you just shut up for a minute?”
“Sorry.”
“Here am I talking to hundred of thousands of people and you just interrupt. Again.”
“Sorry.”
“I mean, where did you learn your manners?”
“Its just that I asked a question and you haven’t really answered it.”

Ignore him.

What is an educationalystor? Why am I not just a teacher? Its because teachers are interested in teaching people things that should be teached -

“Do you mean taught?”
“That’s what I said.”
“No you didn’t. You said teached.”
“Didn’t.”
“Did.”
“Look its up there in black and white.”
“Didn’t. Didn’t. Didn’t.”
“You did. Look.”
“La la la la la la. Can’t hear you.”
“You’re weird.”
“Didn’t hear you. Can’t hear a word you say, whoever you are.”
“Whatever.”

But teaching isn’t what an educationalystor does. An educationalystor, like the demon spawn of a catalYST and a motivatOR, is someone who realises the power of the human mind and has an ability to unleash that power onto the human landscape. We’re like the Jedi of the teaching Latin in schools world.

I am Luke Skywalker.
The educational world is the Death Star.
Latin is my lightsaber.
Lucinda Strappon is Chewbacca. Or that annoying one who speaks funny and whose skin looks like it's made of plastic, whose name I can’t remember. Zsa Zsa Gabor.
"It's Binks."

But as the National Rifle Association says its not the gun that kills people. Its people who kill people.
“The gun helps though.”
“Eh?”
“What I mean to say is that, it may be people who kill people but I think the gun has something to do with it, doesn’t it?”
"La la la la."
"I mean if I were just to stand in front of you and say 'BANG', you wouldn't die would you?"
“Is that the door bell I can hear?”
“Oh. Fuck you.”
“Yes. It’s the door bell. Sorry. Not today thank you.”
“Freak.”

That is who I am. That is what I am. That is where I am.

Dr Derk Burgmeister. Educationalystor.

“Have you finished?”

“Hello?”

“Are you there?”
“Not listening to you.”
“Derk –“
“Go away!”
“It’s just that you were talking about something else before.”
“Oh yeah. Thanks.”
Anyway, the point I was going to make was that I knew that Latin was important to literacy too. Hell, I practically invented Latin. What is more we have developed Latin so that it has become BAGSE’s Latin and is even more amazing. And you know, learning BAGSE's Latin is not learning a dead language. Oh no. BAGSE found the rotting corpse of Latin and gave it the kiss of life. Then we disinfected our lips. Because, unlike teaching ordinary Latin, with the BAGSE's Latin programme we look at structure and form, we effectively teach you every language in the world. Or at least Romantic languages, like French, Italian or Clingon.

Put it this way if you just speak Latin when you can speak BAGSE’s Latin, you must be a horseman short of the apocalypse.

Put it simply:
Latin = all right for literacy.
BAGSE’s Latin = excellent for literacy
Me = amazing.
Everyone else = stupid.

“I need to go pee now.”
“Ok. No problem. Toilet’s last on the left.”