BAGSE: Coming to A Country Near You

Over the last few months my email inbox has literally been swamped with an email from someone asking me why BAGSE only operates in England, Europe.

Let me make it clear:
I don’t plan to hang around in that bad-toothed country forever.
Hell no.

And as time waits for no man and tempus fugits, BAGSE is going to start a new project.

“Who wrote to you?”
“Sorry?”
“You said you had an email. Who wrote to you?”
“A very important person from the Peoples' Democratic Republic of Czebluszyskie.”
“What? Where?”
“The Peoples' Democratic Republic of Czebluszyskie!”
“Sounds like you’ve just made it up.
“Didn’t.”
“OK. I believe you. Sounds interesting.”
“I know. But its clear whoever it was hadn’t been on the BAGSE programme. It took me a while to understand what they wanted.”
“How do you mean?”
“Well, I had to read between the lines before I understood that he meant that they wanted to learn BAGSE’s Latin and not for me to transfer $10,000 into a dodgy bank account.”
“Ah.”

I have always wanted BAGSE to go global and the Peoples’ Democratic Republic of Czebluszyskie is the next obvious place to go.

I just hadn't intended on doing it so soon. Especially with the world in economic meltdown. These are depressing times.
We know that.
People are losing their jobs left and right.
And it's not their fault.
And if they are to blame they get a damn good severance pay.

Watching the Fox I have felt myself getting more and more depressed at the grim statistics and news I hear. While watching the news I also felt Toloola Laundrette’s leg which is why she left BAGSE.

But these things make BAGSE’s Latin is more important than ever. Vital even.
So what is happening in Czebluszyskie? The government of Alexandr Poliakovski has been in power for nearly twenty years. BEVA terrorists are opposing them with a gorilla campaign. The mauve revolutionaries are protesting on the streets. Last year their leader Lech Tukynski was assassinated by an exploding tic tac and his twin brother Fech Tukynski only avoided death as he prefered gum.

Elections scheduled for 2018 have been postponed. And no-one speaks any Latin.

So here we are.
"But how can BAGSE's Latin program help?"
"Its not just about language you know - "
"Oh Christ. You're always fucking on about language and analytics. Its Latin, man. Its fucking boring! Yawn. It's not gonna save the world."
"Remember it's not Latin, its BAGSE's Latin."
"OK. OK. OK. Can you just let go of my scrotum, please?"
"Sorry."
"Thanks."
"We just won't talk about this again, OK?"

Let me say, of the 14 and a half people who have studied on the BAGSE Latin programme at Key Stage Two level, 13 and a half have never committed any acts of political assassination, election rigging or any crimes against humanity. That’s a pretty low rate. None have lost any money on the stock market, crashed a bank or laundered money. Partly because they are not old enough to run banks but also because our new Director of Latin Programmatics BAGSE’s, Frieda Bacon, steals all their pocket money.

BAGSE’s Latin programme doesn’t deal with doubt or disease, we focus on the nitty gritty of grammar, syntax and vocabulary.
We ask our students to analyze every sentence, every word, every letter.
We ask our students to take responsibility for their own work.
We ask for a lot of money.

We can encourage them but they have to learn the educationalytics.
We show them the road, but for them to get the best out of it, they have to walk down the road for themselves.
By themselves.
Their minds focused.
One foot in front of the other.
And hope that the government has enough money for signposts.

Can you imagine any crisis occurring if people around the globe had, from the beginning, learned BAGSE’s Latin?
Had been able to look at a sentence and know what a gerund was?
Had not left it to others to do their work for them?
Had met me in all my glory?

This is what we do. Only BAGSE can do it.
We're the future of education. Latin is the past. BAGSE’s Latin is the future.

We're not the silver bullet to literacy and world salvation; we’re the nuclear bomb of Latin programmes. We’re the nuclear bomb and we’re gonna explode in Eastern Europe. Yeah man.

This isn’t just a gimmick like other progammes. We are the real deal.

And so, BAGSE is coming to Czebluszyskie.



“Are you there?”
“I just wet my daiper.”

ddb